Our lives were finally going smoothly. Chuck's mother accepted the fact that she was going to be a
grandmother. And my mother was tickled to death. Chuck was even happy and enjoying the wait for
our unborn child.
The months seemed to fly by. I wasn't sick much, but I gained a lot of weight. I went from
95lbs to 165lbs in a matter of months. I was huge! The doctor said the baby was growing good and
everything looked fine. We were overjoyed!
On Easter Sunday, we went to my mother's for dinner. I had a month to go and was ready to pop it out.
Sometime during that day I went upstairs to go to the bathroom and as I got up from the toilet my
stomach dropped dramatically. It knocked me back onto the toilet. And scared me. I went downstairs and
mentioned it to Chuck and my mother. They looked at me and seen how far my stomach had dropped and they
were shocked. They asked if I felt ok and I did. So nothing was mentioned again that day about it.
The next morning though, Chuck went to work as usual and I got up and started my day. Then all of a
sudden I had a shaking sensation in my stomach. At first I just thought it was the baby kicking and moving
about. But as the day went on it continued. When Chuck got home from work I told him and he even seen it.
By now I was scared. Chuck said to give it tonight to stop and if it didn't call the doctor in the morning.
I agreed and we went on with the night. Every so often it would shake again and make me jump. All night long
it did it, every 10 min. or so. So, in the morning after Chuck left for work I got around and as soon as the
doctors office opened I called him. I told the nurse what was going on and she said the doctor will want to see
you today. So I made an appointment, called Diane my neighbor to see if she would take me down and she said
she would. I then called Chuck to let him know I was going and he wished me luck.
I went over to Diane's a little later and we talked awhile before heading out. To take our mind off the shaking,
we hung a needle on a piece of thread and hung it over our fat tummies. She was 7 months along and I was 8 months.
I can't quite remember which way the needle is suppose to go when it is a girl or a boy. But when we did it to
Diane it twirl like it is suppose to for a girl.(And yes she had a girl 2 months later, Nicole.) When we did it
to my stomach the needle went crazy, going every which way, but the way it was suppose to. Diane & I just looked at
each other, but never said a word. We only spoke of that incident, years later when she felt comfortable to mention
it to me.
When it was time to finally go to the doctors we headed out. At the doctors office they took me right in and started
examining me. Of course my darn stomach wouldn't shake in front of the doctor and he said all was fine. Now I wish I
had pushed the subject, but I didn't because I had never been pregnant before and didn't know what to expect. So I left
the doctors office not worried. And as soon as we left it started again. Figuring it was just the baby like the doctor
had said I went home and didn't worry about it. For a week straight this went on, and then stopped just as it had started
so fast.
Two weeks later I went into labor. Chuck & I were getting ready to go out to dinner with his father, brother and mother. Of
course I had to go to the bathroom before we left and that is when I noticed my bloody show. I told Chuck and he asked if
I felt any pain and I didn't. So he said to just take it easy. We left to go to the restaurant and of course Chuck had to
tell everyone I had my show. Everyone was so happy, even Chuck's mother. We ordered drinks, I ordered a coke, and we sat
around talking until a table was ready.
I started feeling sick and a little cramping an hour later. I told Chuck I couldn't sit there anymore and asked him to take
me over to my mother's. I wasn't hungry anymore. So, he told everyone what was going on and took me over. I told him to go back
and eat. To just come back when he was done. And that if I needed to go to the hospital we'd call him.
At my mother's we timed me and the contractions were 20 min. apart. She called the hospital and told them what was going on and
they told us to come up when they were 10 min. apart. So I walked some more and was getting excited. Mom called Chuck and told
him it would be awhile. He said to let him know when. Two hours later they were 10 min. apart and we were on our way to the hospital
with Chuck in tow.
When we got there I was put in a room with a monitor that didn't work right and I was checked by the doctor. I had dialate 1cm.
It was going to be a long night. Chuck stayed for another hour and went back to his mother's to get some sleep. My mother and I were
put in a room to try and get some sleep. Yea right! I tossed and turned all night. The doctor had told me that if I didn't dialate
more then what I was, he was going to perform a c-section in the morning.(The guy was knife happy). And I was scared to death of that.
I finally fell asleep at 5:30am after tossing all night. And at 8am, the doctor came in to check me. My worst fear had just came true.
I had only dialated another cm, and he told the nurse to get me ready for a c-section. I looked at mom and had tears in my eyes. I told her
to go call Chuck and tell him to get up there. So, she left the room to call him while I was prepped for surgery. I was so scared I started
shaking and feeling really sick. The nurse told me everything will be ok,sweetie. But I couldn't relax. Mom came back in the room and told me
Chuck was on his way. And asked if she could go in with me. The nurse said that was fine, but she needed to scrub in. Chuck didn't want to go
in with me, he thought it wasn't natural. MEN!
So at 9am I was ready to go in and just as they started to wheel me in Chuck showed up and gave me a kiss and said,"I love you! See yea when
you come out." And then they took me in. Mom held my hand when they put me under and she said she held it the whole time. I do not know what
went on in there except from what I have been told. When they made the first incision, my water was green and shot all over the room. Apparently,
the baby had a bowel movement. And when they brought him out he wasn't breathing. He was rushed over and suctioned out and let out a little whimper.
From there he was taken into neonatal and worked on. They sewed me back up and put me in recovery. My mom left and went to tell everyone what was going
on. When Chuck went to watch through the window of neonatal, I was told, that his step father had to catch him, he almost fainted. In a split second
our world had changed.
At 1:00pm on April 13th, I awoke to Chuck asking me what we should name him and telling me that he had to go to a special hospital an hour away to
find out what was wrong with him. So, we decided on the name Jacob Charles. I had no idea what was going on and no one would tell me. At 2:00pm, they
wheeled my son in and asked me if I wanted to see him before he was transferred to Elmira. I thought,"Of course I want to see him. I hadn't seen him yet."
I couldn't hold him, he was hooked up to all kinds of machines and wires. I touched his little hand and told him I loved him. He was so beautiful. He had
a head full of black curly hair and a little nose. He was gone an instant later and Chuck said he was going to follow him down, but would be back later
that night. He kissed me good-bye and was gone. I fell back to sleep due to the drugs they were giving me. I was told later that they were overdosing me
until I could be told what was going on.
For 5 days I was under the influence of drugs. And having no idea what was going on with my son. I seen only pictures of him hooked up to oxygen, and
heart machines. They had shaved his head for iv's. He looked so tiny. Finally on the 5th day, Chuck and my mother came to me and told me they had to tell
me about Jacob. Chuck was crying and I said," Is he gone?" And started crying. They told me no, but he might not make it. And started to explain it to me.
You see my son was born with severe cerebral palsy. Sometime when he was inside me he lost oxygen to his brain ,which caused exstensive damage to the brain.
Enough damage to the point that his motor skills were real bad. He had no swallowing reflect or muscle tone. He was not expected to live. When they finished
telling me, Chuck went and got the doctor for me. When they came back I told the doctor I wanted to leave and I wanted to go now. That my son was dying and
that I had to be there with him. The doctor left and filled out my release forms and I left. We went to my mother's house first before heading to the hospital.
Chuck's friends were bringing all the baby stuff from the trailer to my mom's so that I wouldn't have to see them. Knowing that my son may never use them. But
by the time we got there, they were bringing the last load in and I asked what was going on. I was told it was for my own good and to help me keep my sanity.
That is when I realized just how bad my son was and told Chuck I wanted to go now to see him. So we left mom's and headed to the hospital. Chuck warned me on
the way down that he would be scarey looking. I told him I didn't care.
When we got there, we had to scrub in and gown up. After doing this, we walked in and Chuck took me over to him. He was still as beautiful as ever. He was
breathing on his own and only had the feeding tube in. The nurse walked up and asked if I was his mother and I said yes. She then asked me if I wanted to hold him.
And all I could do was shake my head yes. They gave me a rocking chair and then she handed me my little angel. I cried with pure joy. And started talking to him.
He was so contend and precious. the first time I ever held him is echoed in my memory forever.
For the next 2 months we went to the hospital every other day.
When he was 2 months old the doctors put
a g-tube in his stomach so he could eat & come home.
On June 1st, we finally got to take our baby home. We were
so happy,but scared! It was the first time we would be alone
with him & not have a bunch of doctors & nurses watching
over us. He still needed 24 hour care so we had to hire
nurses for at night when we slept. We had all kinds of
machines to keep him comfortable. Oxygen tanks if we
needed them,a suction machine to suck the saliva out
of his mouth so he wouldn't choke. A heart & lung monitor to
keep track of his heartbeat & breathing. The poor baby had
so many wires hooked to him that it looked scarey. He was
bald due to them shaving all his locks off for IV's. He looked
pathetic. But we loved him so!
We got to enjoy Jacob for another 2 months. Of course he
was in & out of the hospital a lot due to breathing problems.
He was such a good baby. And loved so much. He looked
like a normal baby when he wasn't hooked to the machines.
No one could tell he had problems. So many people would
come up to us & tell us we had a beautiful baby. That made
us so proud.
It's like a bad dream that plays over & over in my head,
You're not really gone, you're not really dead.
I've tried to find you,
I can't believe the pain we are going through....
On September 1st, our world came crashing down on us.
This day will forever be in my memory as if it was yesterday.
It started out a normal day. Except I had been sick the last
couple of days due to stress so I asked one of my friends
who was a nurse if she would take Jake for the day. And
she said she would & be by at 10:00am. So I got Jake ready
& I notice he had a tooth coming threw. Scared me! The
doctors had told us that he wouldn't live through teething
because of all the saliva it creates. I more or less let it slip
for now not thinking anymore about it.
June showed up on time & took Jacob with her. I kissed him
good-bye & told him I loved him & to be a good boy. Not realizing it would be the
last time I ever seen my baby alive! I went back to bed to get
some rest, but tossed & turned for 3 hours. The phone started
ringing at 1pm. I just knew something was wrong & I didn't
want to answer it, I just wanted it to go away, but it kept ringing
& ringing, so I answered it. It was my mother asking me if I'd
heard from June, that she was at a certain hospital with Jake,
but didn't know the details. I told her I hadn't heard anything
and we hung up just in case.
As soon as I put the reciever down it rang & it was the hospital.
She told me I better get to the hospital soon or I'd never see
my son alive again. I said I would & started crying. He had already died,
but they wouldn't tell me that. So I called Chuck & he said he'd meet
me there, because he was closer, so I called my mother & told her
what was going on. She said she'd pick me up. I hung up & I realized
my world was falling apart. I started praying harder than I ever
prayed in my life. Please don't take my baby away from me!
Please!
When my mother got to our place I jumped in & it only took us
20 min. to get to the hospital, when in normal time it was a 45
min. drive. We cried all the way there. When I walked into the
ER, I saw Chuck & June just standing there crying. I ran up to
them & a nurse came up to me and asked me if I was the mother.
I told her yes and asked if he was ok. She said, "no,sweetheart, he
died. I'm sorry!" I stood there & screamed,"NO!!!" And started
crying harder. The nurse asked me if I wanted to see him & I
shook my head yes. She took me in & everyone followed. She
asked me if I wanted to hold him & I said yes! She picked him
up & brought him to me & placed him in my arms. I stood there
in shock.
My tears falling on his tiny face. I kept asking him, "why Jake,
why did you leave me?" I heard Chuck say, "he's not stiff no
more, Beckie, and not in pain". I started shaking & Chuck had
to hold my arm up so I wouldn't drop him, I was crying so hard.
They then told me it was time to go. I kissed him on the cheek
& said, "I love you so much, baby, good-bye little one". And they
took him from me. Chuck & I embraced & slowly walked out of
there. We went into the coroners to make the arrangements &
then went back in one last time to see him before we left him.
When we left we didn't go home, we went to my mother's. We
just couldn't go home, it was to painful. On the way there, we
cried & then the song, "Don't know What You Got Till It's
Gone", came on the radio. I started crying harder & ever
since then when I hear that song I break down & cry for
my baby. Even 11 years later!
The next couple of days are a blur, the funeral & all. We
buried him in red overalls that said "Angel" on them in
gold letters. We also buried his stuffed monkey with him.
We said our last good-byes at the funeral, kissed him on
the head & left. Our life has never been the same since
then. When Jacob died, a piece of us died with him. And we
can never get it back.
Our relationship stood the test of time, but we made it through it
all & love each other more than words can say. Jacob will live in my heart till the day we meet again. And I know he is watching over us until we
do see each other. He made us grow up in a time when we were
immature & made us realize the value of life & how precious it
can be.
